Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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