You were right. It hurts to walk today.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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