I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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