You're earring is so big in my mouth
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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