I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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