This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she pinky promised me she was 18
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
