When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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