I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
