careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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