allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
...so i touched it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
