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• (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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• (650): View more from California

  I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  dude, your ex-bf is on match.com

  (847): View more from Illinois

  details on that.

  (312): View more from Illinois

  well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.

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• (441): View more from Bermuda-Carib

  You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.

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• (450): View more from Quebec

  She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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• (425): View more from Washington

  On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego

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• (210): View more from Texas

  It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him

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• (262): View more from Wisconsin

  so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.

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