oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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