Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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