Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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