you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
