i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
