Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
