What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
