I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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