I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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