Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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