I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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