She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
