it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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