I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize