john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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