I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
