she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
