Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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