my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
