You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Help. Why am I so naked?
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