I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
