She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
