don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
