You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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