Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
