Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
