I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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