Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
