I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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