i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
