I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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