omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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