On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
