Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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