Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
