Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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