I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
