Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
