I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
