Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize