He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize