It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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