Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize