i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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