I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
