He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
