the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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